Fragments

My body sent me signals. It couldn't contain the emotion and wanted to cry. My throat was contracting painfully, and my vision was blurring. I clenched my teeth to prevent my eyes from making more water. I breathed deeply and tried to think of something else.

Crying was the one thing I could not endure. I swallowed my anger or my sadness or whatever was weighing on my lungs, and turned my back to you and started walking. I found out later that I was hoping for you to stop me. You did not. I left you there, standing alone. You were feeling both guilty and relieved. I never turned back.

I did not have a plan. Now, when I think of it, I know that even if I did, I would not have found the strength to carry it out anyway. I am not weak, by I always put so much effort in trying not to cry, that I often fail to summon enough strength for the rest.

The next morning I woke up with a hangover and a sore throat. I am not melodramatic, but I like to drink. After that, life went on for me as in a dream. Everything happened very slowly yet it all ended so fast. I spent an awfully long time trying to forget what happened. I finally gave up, and tried to find you. I did not want to try again. I wanted to try, period. You are not worth it, but I am. I deserve to prove it to you.

By the time I came across you again, you were beyond recognition. You did not recognise me. I walked past you slowly. I only smiled to your dog. It is weird how I should smile to dogs more often than I do to people. It is weird because I hate dogs more than I hate people. Your dog was panting, tongue out. It reminded me of the time when we went jogging together and you told me how dogs sweated from their tongues. I found that disgusting at the time.

I went out. My face was burning so I welcomed the refreshing cold air. I could feel water forming in my eyes and my vision blurred. I did not close them lest drops should fall down my cheeks. I kept them open to the cold air until the water dried up. I crossed the street and disappeared in the crowd where you lost me forever.