Erriadh, Ohio

1.

Today, as I was leaving home, probably for a few months, my dad noticed that the baby birds that lived on our garden lamp had left their nest for the first time this morning. It made mama cry. She thought that it was symbolic, and felt that my departure could not be avoided. It was life taking its natural course.

Both my parents tried, shyly at first, then with growing assurance as my departure date approached, to convince me to stay. Dad tried to joke about it many times, saying that I would not be able to stay away longer than two weeks. He was more trying to convince himself than me, I think. He knew just how stubborn I was.

The last three weeks have been very hard on me. First the exams, then the VISA procedures, which took longer than usual, and then the tickets, the orals for which I was going to sit in France, then my exam results, the oral results, Richard, who was putting me under pressure to come as soon as possible to run his B&B etc.

I’m not sure whether I have strong nerves or not. Stress doesn’t show on me, but my stomach suffers a lot. I might become crazy someday. I often think about it. I know that the lines separating sanity from insanity are very thin, but I don’t think I would mind becoming crazy, as long as I don’t kill myself or others or go out naked. I think I do have same insanity seeds in me anyway.

I am in the plane right now, going to France to sit for an oral exam to get into some school and do a Master’s degree in Conference Interpreting. With all the time wasted on the visa procedures, I couldn’t get prepared. I got my visa no more than 5 hours ago, and the ticket an hours after that. I hate putting the blame on others, but this time, I am very ready to put it all on the visa people. Those French bastards come to my country whenever they felt like it, but they couldn’t care less if my future would be ruined because of a stupid paper.

I find it unbearingly humiliating to queue up for hours waiting for them to open their green door for me to ask for a visa. And it reminds me of all the colonial and post-colonial crap that we have to bear in silence. We actually do not. I hope we kick them out for good sometime.

2.

Unless they get eaten up in the way, birds always return to the nest the first day. I thought about that the day mama was hugging me and crying, but decided not to tell her, lest it should bring me bad luck. It turned out that bad luck was nothing compared to my parents’ persistence.

I never thought they would blackmail me into cancelling with Richard and coming back home. They begged me to come back home. My mother cried again. She said she was having nightmares. They both said that I should not put them under so much pressure. That they were getting old and that I was racking their nerves. When I failed all my exams, I decided to swallow up my pride and go back home to punish them.

Making parents suffer in the easiest thing in the world. All you have to do is torture yourself. It never fails. Independence will have to wait another year. Hopefully, I would still be breathing to savor it by then.

To be continued…

Fragments

My body sent me signals. It couldn't contain the emotion and wanted to cry. My throat was contracting painfully, and my vision was blurring. I clenched my teeth to prevent my eyes from making more water. I breathed deeply and tried to think of something else.

Crying was the one thing I could not endure. I swallowed my anger or my sadness or whatever was weighing on my lungs, and turned my back to you and started walking. I found out later that I was hoping for you to stop me. You did not. I left you there, standing alone. You were feeling both guilty and relieved. I never turned back.

I did not have a plan. Now, when I think of it, I know that even if I did, I would not have found the strength to carry it out anyway. I am not weak, by I always put so much effort in trying not to cry, that I often fail to summon enough strength for the rest.

The next morning I woke up with a hangover and a sore throat. I am not melodramatic, but I like to drink. After that, life went on for me as in a dream. Everything happened very slowly yet it all ended so fast. I spent an awfully long time trying to forget what happened. I finally gave up, and tried to find you. I did not want to try again. I wanted to try, period. You are not worth it, but I am. I deserve to prove it to you.

By the time I came across you again, you were beyond recognition. You did not recognise me. I walked past you slowly. I only smiled to your dog. It is weird how I should smile to dogs more often than I do to people. It is weird because I hate dogs more than I hate people. Your dog was panting, tongue out. It reminded me of the time when we went jogging together and you told me how dogs sweated from their tongues. I found that disgusting at the time.

I went out. My face was burning so I welcomed the refreshing cold air. I could feel water forming in my eyes and my vision blurred. I did not close them lest drops should fall down my cheeks. I kept them open to the cold air until the water dried up. I crossed the street and disappeared in the crowd where you lost me forever.